I have moved...

I can't be here anymore because I don't get paid to be here and I get paid to be here which is wierd because it's the same as what I write here. But looks prettier.

I might get to keep the foreigners.

So the school where I studied how to teach people to speak English because they can't already do this, called me and was like "we want you, we need you, oh baby come back," cept they didn't really. But now I'm teaching there part time. Which is great because I always thought it was sad how no one else speaks like me.

This also means I'm working a lot more. Which is like a lot. That's not so much fun, but I'm almost sure they're going to pay me. Something. Perhaps in foreigners because they seem to have a lot those, mostly just wandering around without teacher-people to bring them up and discipline them.

Like today in class, I taught the kids (who are actually adults but because they're foreign we look at them differently), when we use "used to" in the English language.

And I said, "No, Louisa* you can't say 'When I lived in Spain, we were used to eat really late at night."

Louisa: "Why not? It has all the verbs."

me: "Yeah. Perhaps too many. It's wrong though."

Louisa: "No, you're wrong. You said to use used to for events that happened in the past on a regular basis but have been discontinued, like I used to run to school, but now that I don't go to school I don't run there anymore." - This is almost nothing like how she said it, I put in some of my words to make it English and to give you the impression that I can actually teach them to speak properly and not just use words in front of foreign people.


me: "Yes. That's exactly how I said it."

Louisa: "Well, it must be were used to eat because were shows that there is more than one person doing the action because you said we. Then we put the used to to show that the people who were wering from the we did something in the past that they don't do now and the eat is the thing that the we, were's doing. See?"

me: "Yes."

...

me: "That's exactly it. Well done."


Louisa: *Smile*

I like having a class of people because I pretend they're my friends when we play word games.

*Names have been changed.

Tan is VERY pretty and she totally almost killed us

Last night, Cami, Tan, Tan's-friend-who-I-don't-know-well-enough-to-mention-by-name and I did this:

'Cept we weren't Chinese and instead of holding a box, a packet and Elmo from the Muppets we were holding beer and wine (oh and our score was almost exactly the same without the last digit).

We went to Quiz night at the Pinelsopes Keg. Every Wednesday this happens which is great because we can show everyone how mediocre our intelligence is 52 times a year. We would have totally won if we chose half of Cami's answers. But I was almost right a lot. A lot a lot. Off by like a couple of letters - like USB stands for Universal Serial Bus and not Uninterrupted Serial Bus and the rock guy in the Fantastic Four is The Thing and not The Rock because apparently that's too obvious and is someone else entirely:

Apparently Norway is Sweden's neighbour with the longest border, the Masai Mara is the big-ass game reserve in Kenya and Hair Pin Slots is Paris Hilton - we actually got that one. It's like school, but instead of getting gold stars and certificates we get drunk.

The quiz master is cool like this

But not in a lot of ways, like he's a guy and he doesn't have red hair - he's also not mean - but he has like the exact same colour top. I know. The resemblance is uncanny.

Anyway, Tan is very pretty - this helps us keep her as a friend. But we like her for more than just her looks, she also has like a big deal job and orders books for us - and yet still somehow makes Cami and I feel cul - popular even. And then she tried to kill us by reversing into us when we were leaving the parking lot. (By the way Tan your right tail light isn't working). We get loud and shout over each other when we're together which will make Zebra & Giraffe and Goldfish on Saturday be BOSS cul (I have no idea where that came from).

Can't wait.

PS. I haven't blogged in 5 weeks. That's like a long time. But it's because I've been writing - novels and shit. It's difficult to blog when there are important things going on.

PSS. Ok I didn't mean that. Blogging is important too. I swear.

PSSS. I love The Office. The British version.

Ok. That's all.

I'm quite unimpressive on paper

I've finally finished my CELTA (Certificate in English Language Teaching to Adults I think). The most friggin' intense four weeks of my entire life 'cept for that one time I took my gran the long way home.

I think I've lost weight from all the waking up and not sleeping and doing more work than humans are medically allowed to outside of China - which means I now look like Skeletor (who is surprisingly muscular for a skeleton).

Now I'm fully qualified to make more mini-me's overseas. Get all the Parisians to speak like me do and make them all clever like. I'm really quite tired but now have to rewrite my CV for all the jobs I have to convince people I was conceived to do, which I hate doing because I always seem so unimpressive on paper.

I'm 23. My CV is HALF. A. PAGE.

I'm beginning to think life isn't always like in the movies. Damn them. Watched The Dark Night 3 times. Today. It makes me feel gooey and pink inside and then I forget about all the jobs I need to applique for. Goodness. I'm going to watch Batman.

I'm making mini-me's which means I can't blog so much no more, but I still love you. I think.

So you've probably noticed that I haven't blogged all week. And if you haven't that's ridiculous, only losers visit and take their wine home with them afterwards (which is ridiculous too, because why is there wine left, right?). Anyway. That's like people who read a whole blog post and don't comment. Ass.

The reason is because I'm teaching Ingleesh to foreigners so I can teach Ingleesh to people in other countries. I've started CETLA. It's so cool. But I'm so friggin' tired, like you know that feeling when you just wake up and it's all hazy and then you realise that 16 insects crawled into your brain through your pupils. Yeah that's like exactly how I feel. I should be writing one of my assignments now, but eh. My brain is sore from all the tiny footprints.

It's quite cool that I get to mould the minds of foreign people. I don't know who thought that was a good idea or why they let me in. But yeah. I'm making mini-me's. Oh and the class likes me because I make a fool of myself for them - like a monkey for peanuts.

Haha. I'm so lame. Anyway. Just letting you know I care about you and I can still write and didn't lose my memory after getting hit by truck that transports screwdrivers and can still know how to read and write. I think. Bother.

From the 12th of December I'll be re-commencing the semi-regularity of the brain meats on the internet.

Obama is Cinderella.

Nascar should use wagons but not let the guy from Texas Chainsaw race.

I almost killed myself yesterday. Not on purpose. Just almost. With another person's car. I'm driving down Rivonia Road and turn left into 2nd instead of 12th. Turns out they don't lead to the same street. So while I'm driving down 2nd street/avenue I realise, "wait a minute, this isn't my car!" and then I realised that I only hoped it wasn't my car.

You see, I drive this:

So when this pulled out in front of me:

I screamed like a girl and slammed on brakes which work like this:

So I careened (it's a word) through the stop street, and did this around the monster truck:

to safety. Even though my wagon brakes locked and I skidded through the stop street, I was cool. It was a fourway stop. So other people had to wait while I did this. Goodness. Then I went home and read about grammar.

I know right! Who wants to be me now? So cul. 'Cept I shaved a few years off my life and some of the driver's of the monster truck.

PS If you're my mom, I'm fine. This is all made up so I can be funny.

PSS It wasn't really a monster truck, it was more like this, but when I recount the tale of the day I almost got murdered in cold blood by this psycho killer from Texas Chainsaw Massacre who used a chainsaw car to kill me, to my grandkids, it's not going to be this car.

PSSS While I was searching for the pictures of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Car Killing Psycho Jack from Freddy eats Predator with Aliens 45 on the side, I found this weird thing:

I know right. Where do you get them?